my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
