idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
