i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
