alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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