I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
