do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I party with great urgency now.
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