I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm both gender and math confused
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
