I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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