Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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