The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize