I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
