what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
