I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
