New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
