can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
