rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
