I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
