i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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