Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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