i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
