I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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