I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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