She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
