if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
