Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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