Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize