i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize