the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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