Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
