I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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