my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
