$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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