So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
