I cannot find my penis.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
