um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
