Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Small penises have feelings too.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
