You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
