Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
