My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize