I met the friendliest cop last night
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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