So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
