I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just want to make out with him forever
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
