Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
