Swine flu. Run for my life!
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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