Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
