you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
