Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
