bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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