I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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