hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
