thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
