Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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