We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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