Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I want to fling myself into the sun
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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