dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
